Choice items from Santa’s swag bag

By John Frary

Last week the Portland Press Herald reported that Rep. Drew Gattine (D-Westbrook) is demanding that Gov. LePage find a way to pay for Medicaid expansion. This makes a kind of sense. It’s the business of liberal Democrats to spend money. It’s the business of conservative Republicans to provide the money. It’s still unclear, but Rep. Gattine apparently expects the governor to take a second job, and rent out rooms in the Blaine House. Drew’s work history demonstrates unblemished consistency. Like most of Maine’s Democratic Party caucus, he has never strayed far from the government trough.

In other news, Alexander Tokie, a student in Michigan’s Albion College sent an e-mail to his cronies in November offering this advice: “Take the liberal tears from the idiot you just destroyed in your debate, dissemble your American made Springfield M1911 .45 caliber handgun and apply the tears in order to clean the mechanism, reassemble and proceed to purchase ANTIFA and ISIS hunting permits and max out on tags.” In response, Vice President for Student Affairs and Dean of Students Sally Walker, along with Vice President of Finance and Administration Jerry White have charged Tokie with violating Albion’s policy against the “[u]se of, or threatened use of, physical force or violence.” There’s nothing much to be said about Alexander’s gibe, and not enough space to do justice to the flimsy fragility and incorrigible imbecility of academic administrators.

President Donald J. Trump won again this month. Scanning his unsleeping TV he spotted Senator Gillibrand (D-NY) criticizing him and struck back from Mount Olympus like a blue-suited Zeus, singeing the woman with a tweeterous thunderbolt: “Lightweight Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, a total flunky for Chuck Schumer and someone who would come to my office “begging” for campaign contributions not so long ago (and would do anything for them), is now in the ring fighting against Trump. Very disloyal to Bill & Crooked-USED!”

The senator tweeted back within an hour to claim the politically potent status of courageous victim: “You cannot silence me or the millions of women who have gotten off the sidelines to speak out about the unfitness and shame you have brought to the Oval Office.”

Two winners inside the same hour on Dec. 12!

The State of Maine produced another Republican winner on that day. Shane Bouchard, a small businessman born in Lewiston defeated Ben Chin, the Political Engagement Director of the Maine People’s Liberation Army. Ben was born in a manger on the Bates College Campus and has hung around Lewiston ever since, carefully avoiding any kind of useful occupation.

The Associated Press sends word from Fort Walton Beach, Florida that an opossum broke into a liquor store and drank a bottle of bourbon. Michelle Pettis, a technician at the Emerald Coast Wildlife Refuge tells the tale: “A worker there found the opossum up on a shelf next to a cracked open bottle of liquor with nothing in it. She definitely wasn’t fully acting normal.” The animal, whose name has not been disclosed, was pale, excessively salivating and appeared disoriented. She was back to normal after a couple days of treatment. Curious readers who wish to know how to tell if a ‘possum is pale will get no help from this columnist. Readers interested in the bourbon brand preferred by ‘possums should write to Cash’s Liquors, 106 Santa Rosa Blvd., Fort Walton Beach, Fl, 32548. Or call 850-244-2274.

On Dec. 13, Minnesota Gov. Mark Dayton appointed Lt. Gov. Tina Smith to fill Al Franken’s Senate seat. People unfamiliar with Governor Dayton find this odd since the date for Al’s resignation has not yet been set. People familiar with Dayton’s political and personal history will see nothing unusual. It will be interesting, however, to see how Al and Tina negotiate the tricky business of fitting two bottoms into one seat.

CBS News Chief White House Correspondent reports that presidential Chief of Staff John Kelly fired Omarosa Manigault Newman on December 12. Manigault Newman is the Assistant to the President and Director of Communications of the Office of Public Liaison. As the title implies nobody knows what she actually did. On December 13 the White House announced that the Director “resigned yesterday to pursue other opportunities. … adding that her departure “will not be effective until January 20, 2018.” Later in the day the Secret Service indicated that her ID pass had already been deactivated. She may have been escorted from the premises at General Kelly’s command, but this has neither been confirmed nor denounced as fake news by the White House. All that can be said with certainty is that nobody cares very much.

In Alabama Judge Roy Moore was almost elected to the U.S. Senate by Republicans who didn’t want to see a Democrat take that seat. Statistical analysis suggest that half a million Alabama Republicans were thinking of Rhett Butler’s famous line in Gone With the Wind: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

John Frary of Farmington is a former candidate for U.S. Congress, a retired history professor, an Emeritus Board Member of Maine Taxpayers United, a Maine Citizen’s Coalition Board member, and publisher of FraryHomeCompanion.com. He can be reached at jfrary8070@aol.com.