Politics & Other Mistakes: Shaking things up in 2023

6 mins read

As they slouch toward another new year, our political leaders desperately need to make some resolutions – even though everyone knows there’s no way in hell they’ll keep them.

Given that such promises have the credibility of QAnon predictions, it seems pointless to actually ask our elected officials what they plan to do to make 2023 a better year. Better to just make stuff up.

Let’s start with U.S. Sen. Angus King, who claims to be an independent, but his voting record is in almost perfect alignment with whatever Democratic leadership wants. Since King has indicated he may run for another term in 2024 (when he’ll be 800 years old), this would be a good time for him to shake things up. He should register as a Republican.

It’s true that King doesn’t have much in common with the traditional positions of the GOP. But neither did Donald Trump. Such a move would save Republicans the bother of running some right-wing kook (Paul LePage 3.0?) as a sacrificial lamb against him. And it would open the door for Democrat Sara Gideon (who lost the Senate race in 2020) to amass another record-setting campaign treasury in a futile effort to convince voters she isn’t an alien cyborg.

Maine’s other senator, Republican Susan Collins, should use 2023 as an opportunity to prove once and for all that she’s not in thrall to any political party. In the past, Collins has twisted herself into tortured positions in an effort to appear as some sort of centrist. Now, it’s time to show the world what that rough beast really looks like.

Collins should introduce a bill requiring all public schools to teach Critical Race Theory and another measure to repeal affirmative action. She should endorse abortion on demand, but favor outlawing birth control. How about a constitutional amendment to allow prayer in schools so long as God and Satan get equal time? China or Taiwan? Collins should call for attacking them both.

Democratic 1st District Congresswoman Chellie Pingree could gain some credibility by issuing a statement declaring that with a GOP-controlled House, she’s now officially irrelevant. Then, she should go about her business as usual. No one will notice.

Jared Golden, the Democratic 2nd District representative, should polish up his contrarian credentials by announcing he’s backing Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis for president, even though DeSantis is a Republican. In a statement, Golden could explain his perverse logic by pointing out that DeSantis is less crazy than Trump and less boring than Joe Biden.

Here’s what Democratic Gov. Janet Mills should do in the new year: Endorse sovereignty for Maine’s Indian tribes. Close the Long Creek youth prison. Allow farm workers to unionize. Break the Department of Health and Human Services into manageable units with clear focuses on protecting children and families. Let retail establishments set the price of liquor. Punch state Senate Minority Leader Trey Stewart in the nose.

Here’s what Mills will actually do: none of the above.

Stewart, part of the GOP’s revamped legislative leadership, should get that nose looked at by a competent plastic surgeon.

Democratic Senate President Troy Jackson should shut up. That will automatically make him seem smarter.

New House Speaker Rachel Talbot Ross, a Democrat from Portland, should announce she’s moving to Misery Gore, where she’ll live in a shack with no electricity or running water and eat pine cones, in an effort to connect with rural Mainers who think all Democrats are elitist jerks. After a couple weeks, she should move back to Portland and announce that rural Mainers are right.

Speaking of Portland, its school committee should solve the payroll problems that have seen staff go months without proper reimbursement, by switching its accounting business to this cryptocurrency company some guy in the Bahamas told them about.

Central Maine Power should announce that because of the overwhelming negative publicity it’s received in this state in recent years, it’s moving all personnel, including repair crews, to its parent company’s headquarters in Spain. CMP will promise the shift won’t mean customers will experience any change in service quality.

That’s probably true.

I resolve to read emails sent to aldiamon@herniahill.net as long as the battery in my laptop lasts.

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