Would Paul LePage, Republican governor and audio-enabled gluteus maximus, be more palatable if he had an elaborate mixed drink named for him? Could the rest of Maine’s so-called political leadership be improved if they were stirred, shaken and strained into fancy glassware? Can the competing, nonsensical dribble and drool from these partisan hacks be distilled into a liquor worth garnishing with something other than campaign cash?
Probably not. But that’s no reason not to combine a jigger of politically infused booze with a splash of indignant mixer in an effort to create adult beverages we won’t be able to swallow without choking.
I’m told by expert bartenders there’s no way to create a cocktail using pure bile, so we’ll need a substitute for the governor’s favorite flavor to make the Ragin’ LePagin’. In a shaker with ice, add one ounce of Fernet-Branca (a bitter Italian liqueur), one ounce of Campari (a bitter Italian aperitif) and two dashes of Coastal Root (a bitter bitters made in Portland). Stir vigorously with a pen that was used to veto legislation, and strain into a cocktail glass. Add a splash of Angry Orchard hard cider. Garnish with a sprig of hemlock. Serve on napkins made from recycled copies of the Portland Press Herald.
The Mark Eves of Destruction: Named for the wimpy Democratic speaker of the Maine House, this concoction couldn’t be more different from the preceding recipe. But not in a good way. Fill a highball glass with ice that’s been crushed like the hopes of legislative liberals. Add four ounces of Michelob Ultra light beer that’s been allowed to go flat. Top off with tap water mixed with equal parts tears of regret and frustration. Serve on coasters featuring the logo of the Good Will-Hinckley school.
The state’s independent junior senator has earned a spot on this mixed-drink menu with an ineffectual creation called the Angus King Wind Turbine. In a shallow dish, pour three ounces of Cold River vodka. Place the plate in front of an electric fan, and allow several hours for the moving air to evaporate all the alcohol. Funnel the residue into a shot glass and slug down as many as you like, knowing this beverage will have the same effect on your sobriety as King does on national politics.
To be honest, none of the above experiments will produce anything you’d actually want to drink. To correct that deficiency, here are a couple of real recipes honoring the members of our U.S. House delegation.
Chellie Pingree, the Democrat who represents the 1st District, is so lopsidedly partisan that it’s amazing she can stand upright. Two rounds of my variation on the Left Hand cocktail, and she probably can’t. In a shaker half-filled with ice, add three ounces of good bourbon, half an ounce of red vermouth (Antica Formula recommended), half an ounce of Campari (maybe she has more in common with LePage than anyone suspected) and two dashes of Fee Brothers Aztec Chocolate bitters. Shake vigorously and strain into a coupe glass. Garnish with a Luxardo cherry. Serve on a Hillary-Clinton-for-president bumpersticker.
Republican Bruce Poliquin represents the 2nd District, but doesn’t really live there. Rather than his alleged address at his family’s summer house in Oakland, the congressman prefers his seaside estate in the 1st District town of Georgetown. To commemorate his occasional visits to the other Maine, here’s the Carpetbagger: In a shaker with ice, combine two ounces of good bourbon, one-half ounce Cointreau, one-half ounce sweet vermouth, a dash of Owl & Whale persimmon bitters and a dash of orange bitters. Stir and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a flaming orange peel. Serve on a map of Maine altered to show Georgetown in the 2nd District.
Quick hits: GOP U.S. Sen. Susan Collins deserves a Tom Collins with as much gin in it as she has political courage, which is none. Portland Mayor-elect Ethan Strimling won election by cozying up to business interests and developers. A dirty martini for him. No top shelf for Republican state Senate President Mike Thibodeau. Pols who get in deep doo-doo with LePage get a shot of Beam dropped in a pint of Bud. It’s called a depth charge.
It’s your round. Pour it out by emailing aldiamon@herniahill.net.
Al, I suspect Karen C. and the folks who hang out at Happy Hour helped you write this. :)
As close to Fair and Balanced as I ever expect to see here.
All bird-lovers have to do is walk around near the base of a wind-turbine and they can pick up lots of them in a few minutes. Fresh ones every day, unless foxes, coyotes, or hawks beat you to them! Some rare and endangered ones, too, great for collectors! All in the name of Progress! Wind-power is great for the environment! (Unless you’re a bird or something!)
Arnold P.
I have heard that said, that many birds die from wind turbines. It probably is true, to some extent, but I haven’t seen solid statistical evidence. I have been near some of the wind turbines in Maine, but not near enough to see if there are dead birds around them.
Lots of birds die from trying to fly through glass windows too. I get several a year, even though I have tried to add markings on the windows so that the birds realize they are solid. Glass covered skyscrapers, of which there are many throughout the world, thus cause the deaths of thousands of birds.
It’s said that domestic cats are one of the largest killers of song birds.
Then, there is the deforestation issue.
I think it’s sad that humans cause the death of so many birds and other creatures. I get great enjoyment from watching birds and other wildlife.
I have never been close to a turbine, all I know is what I’ve read, and that it is particularly harsh on migratory birds. More turbines, less birds, possibly some extinctions. Sometimes the government blocks projects that harm endangered species, don’t know what’s going on with this one.